Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
