I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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