I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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