I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize