So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
