he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
