at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
