i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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