So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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