I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
