It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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