My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We named our party play list daddy issues
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
