I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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