My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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