hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
