saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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