shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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