You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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