3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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