so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
