My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
