So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
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