I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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