i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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