a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
