Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
