either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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