I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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