You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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