She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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