you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
