garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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