Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
