I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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