Pregnant stripper...not hot.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
