Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
