so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
