Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
