i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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