If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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