I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
