: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
