So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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