if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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