I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
