final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
