i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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