They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
