maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
