third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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