My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We have so much sex to catch up on
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
