Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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