I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
