Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
