I just pynch a tree in the face
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
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