My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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