she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
