I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
