my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Randomize
