I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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