I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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