i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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