margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
