i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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