If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
