i love accidental penises.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
