I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
