Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
