I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
